There is something inside of me that has held me hostage for way too long and regardless of what I’ve done to break free I find myself back in its grips all over again. Many days it felt bigger than me and seemingly had more will power than I. It shows up uninvited and is antagonistic to every area of my life. What can’t be seen by the naked eye is only known by the heart and one who listens to the unspoken communication…it is fear.
I know for about two years straight every time my Pastor would be led to pray for me, he would pray out fear. At first, I was dumb found because fear had been so deeply embedded in me that it was not noticeable and was now a functioning part of who I was. It’s funny because to those around me I am the fearless one. I am the strong one; the one who everybody thinks can take it and won’t break under the pressure. But on the inside fear had gripped not just my heart but had control over my mind.
I understand the need for fear, because it helps create boundaries, but when it binds you and doesn’t allow you to venture beyond its borders, it then becomes a hazard. Looking back, I can clearly see how fear has stolen opportunities that I’ll never know. I mean, I left Spelman because I was afraid to stay in Atlanta. I turned down a promising job in New York because I was afraid, I wouldn’t be able to survive. I didn’t drive because I more than anyone, understand the damage that a car can do, and I couldn’t see me having the control to prevent it. I’ve stayed in relationships because I didn’t want to be the one to fail, especially after marriage was the certain end and bigger than that, I was afraid he would find someone else and be the man I wanted him to be.
During that two-year period I simply began to receive. I decided to dig deep and confront fear. The first truth I learned was that fear was my excuse not to achieve my greatest potential. Fear simply provided a reason as to why not, but it never gave a how to. My comfort with fear was my own sabotage to an abundant life. The second truth I learned is fear was my internal check point and it was only a reflection of who I was and the choices I made; I chose to use it as a filter for my actions. The final thing I learned about fear was that it had no evidence of the outcomes. I realized that knowing something could happen is common sense but understanding the probability of it happening is wisdom.
One day as I read, I came across these words “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” I then understood the only way for me to address fear was to declare what was more important than it. Courage is only affective when it is a habit and that’s my challenge. Daily I choose freedom from fear. I determine the things that are important to and for me and courageously declare my independence from fear.